They're Drowning the Baby!!!

MaKayla was watching 16 and Pregnant...
MaK: MOM!!! What are they doing to that baby?? They're killing it! They keep dunking it in the water!!!

I look... the baby is being baptized.
Dork.

Accomplished What???

me: hello my beautiful spawn child, how are ya?
MaK: hi my amazing witch mom, I'm good.
me: Thanks for using a 'W' instead of a 'B', 'preciate it.
MaK: No problem.
me: Sooo... what did you accomplish today?
MaK: A tan.
I think I may need to be a bit more specific about chores. Holy crap I love her, though :)

PITA... from Hindu...

Was remembering PITA's little-girl days... like when she was 5 and wrapped herself in mexican sarongs and gauzy fabric, stuck a little mermaid sticker on her forehead and announced she was 'from Hindu'... Where's the rewind button on life???

*Sigh*

On the drive home Saturday....
I look over and see my daughter chewing the corner of the dog's pig ear chew treat...

Me: OH MY GOD What are you doing???
MaKayla: Trying to figure out why the dog is so obsessed with these things.

*sigh*

Weirdo.

Conversation with my 13 year old daughter, home after our mother-daughter day together:

ME: I wish I had $500 to blow at Borders... every book I looked at I wanted to read!

MaKayla: I wish I had $500 so I could buy a toilet that sang to me every time I used it.


HUH???

I Was Just Checking...

It is a daily habit to check my daughter's Myspace page for content... just to make sure she isn't abusing the privilege. The other morning, while checking it, I noticed that she was excited for this coming Thursday. I wracked my brains and couldn't remember anything exceptional about Thursday. So I went in and asked her.

'Hey, what's on Thursday?'

'Huh?' She replied... She wasn't entirely awake.

'Your Myspace says you're excited about Thursday.'

'Oh, remember? I might go to the mall with Shannon.'

'That's right, okay. Just checking.'

As I walked back into the living room, she called out, 'Why did you want to know?'

I took this opportunity and ran with it...

'Just wanted to make sure you weren't planning on having sex that day.'

'GOD MOM, SERIOUSLY??!!'

Let me just say this- maybe it sounds weird, nosy, obnoxious or all of the above that I say these things. But I happen to know that two of her friends have already given boys oral sex... so I feel my paranoia and constant questions are justified. Yeah, that's right- 13 year olds giving blow jobs in bathrooms and in the back of school busses... horrifying.

Leverage

LEVERAGE: strategic advantage; power to act effectively

I never understood how leverage could be used on a 12 year old... until I had one :) For example- while my daughter is pretty damned good, rarely giving me a reason to ground her, there are things that drive me CRAZY. One of those things is her inability to clean ANYTHING right. She is the half-assed queen.

But now I have leverage.

Leverage in the form of school dances, the internet, the T.V, stereo, friends, phone, etc. I have often told her that she is not entitled to a damned thing. That everything she has, or has access to, is a privilege. I have discovered leverage.

... And she is no longer the half-assed queen!

At the next game, Mom

I picked up my daughter and her friend from their first High School football game. For me, it was a milestone deserving a place in her baby book. After dropping her friend off, I proceeded with the interrogation:

'So... did anyone try and get you to smoke anything?'

'GOD mom, no.'

'Anyone offer you a drink?'

'GOD mom, no!'

'Did any boys try and get you to take off your clothes?'

'Yeah mom, they did- but I decided to wait to get naked until the NEXT game.'

Smart-ass.

Pad Them and They Will Grow

Every day it seems I notice something new about my daughter, because she's changing so much, so fast.  Like when she was little-  those first few years she grew so much, hitting different milestones it seemed every day.  Having a pre-teen daughter is much the same.

I was sitting in the living room and she walked by...  faded jeans and a tank top.  I was again amazed at the changes taking place, from her little body, to the contours of her face and even the way she carries herself.  I also noticed, peeking out the back of her tank top not one, not two, but three colorful straps.

'Hey, are you wearing three bras???'

She turned, looking suddenly like a little girl again.  'Um, yeah.'

'Why?' I asked, suspecting the answer.

'Well...  my friends all wear C cups, but I'm a B.  I thought if I wore three bras they might grow faster.'

I always swore that I would never laugh at moments like this...  but damn.  Took some explaining about genetics (no way is she going to join the little-bitty-tittie-committee) and patience but I think she understood...  she's only wearing one bra now.

Mak n Cheese

MaKayla...  my beautiful daughter who has brains yet loses more common sense everyday.

It's around 7 o'clock at night and my daughter tells me she has a craving for mac and cheese.

'So make some,' I tell her.  She's 12 and a half for God's sake.

5 minutes later, she stands in the doorway of the kitchen, staring into the living room.  She has a sauce pan in one hand and the box of macaroni in the other.  

'Um, mom-  how do I put the stove on boil?'

I have obviously failed somewhere...  guess it's time to domesticate the child.

Allie, MaKayla is stuck in the washing machine!

I have two roommates, who have three little girls.  When their three and my one all manage to play sweetly together, I am thrilled.  The sounds of them all running through the house this afternoon playing hide'n'seek were wonderful.

Until.

An adorable 8 year old comes running up to me and states (with a large smile) 'Allie, MaKayla is stuck in the washing machine.'

I get up, prepared to be angry because really, she's 12 and should know better.  I enter the laundry room and sure enough, there she is.  Now try to get a mental picture of this mess:  My daughter is 5'2", and weight 95lbs.  Her butt is in, her legs are in.  Her knees are to her chest with that post between her legs.  She looks at me, obviously trying to decided if smiling is a very good idea...  it isn't.

It took dumping laundry soap on her, filling the machine with a couple gallons of water, three people and about 45 minutes....

To realize we couldn't get her out.  I called the fire department.

The conversation with 911 went about as you can imagine...  until she asked the age of the child...  laughter ensued.

So it ended up taking 2 more hours, 3 firemen and the jaws of life to free my child of the predicament she got herself into.

And she calls ME re-re.

'I'm not going to cuddle with you EVER again!'

So my 12 year old daughter has continued to sleep with me for the last 19 months...  reasons for this can be found in my other blog.  Some nights, I would manage to piss her off-  it could be a comment, a request made or just my very existence that was irritating her at that particular moment.

Anyhow, we will go to bed and she will ball herself up at the bottom corner of the bed without any blankets and state firmly, 'I'm not going to cuddle with you EVER again!'

90% of the time I don't say a word.  I know that as soon as she thinks I'm sleeping she will carefully make her way back up to me, curling herself into my side.

However, the other 10%....

I can't help but to say, 'I thought you weren't cuddling me EVER again?'

And then I smile and shake my head in the dark as she throws herself back down to the corner of the bed, knowing that when we wake up, she'll be curled up to my side.

I sure do love her.

I slid right into stupid

When she was little, she would pucker up her lips and say kiss me.  Now, she rolls her eyes as she walks away.  Just two years ago she thought I was the smartest mommy in the world...  in a very short time I slid right into stupid.

She doesn't like the music I listen to anymore, (although purposely listening to Johnny Cash while doing the funky white girl dance at every available stop light probably doesn't help) thinks my clothes are boring and my movie choices are 're-re'. ( I finally figured out that re-re means really retarded...  after two months of her calling me that on myspace.)

To be fair, I don't like most of her music (Jonas Brothers deserve a special place in hell), I think she is delusional with the skinny jeans and her movie choices....  one more cheesy teen movie and I will hang myself with her pink clip-on hair extensions.

I'm waiting for that glorious day when a light comes on in her beautiful blue eyes, proof she has figured out that while I may not be the smartest mommy in the world, I'm not totally 're-re'.